Reboot

Well hello blogger!

I am terrible.  I enjoy writing so much, especially blogs because as soon as I start typing a raw emotion flows from my fingertips into the keyboard and it really does feel like I'm talking.  I like to let this flow.

I have, however, become complacent.  My hormones have not helped and I have to recognise this as a fact; pregnancy hormones can really mess with your head.  It's like a recurring, more frequent PMT.  I become despairing and lazy and apathetic.  I sometimes forget about the beautiful thing that Stu and I have created that's lying peacefully in my midriff, and everything small and insignificant becomes some kind of 'film protagonist' struggle of life and death.  In my current state of mind, I know that this is poor.

Don't get me wrong, I had some feelings like this even before I became pregnant.  I know I've had mild depression in the past.  It took a lot of soul searching and reading and good energy for me to realise what is and is not important, who to rely on and what I really wanted from life.  My current feeling is that, despite the increased pressure of thinking about a baby and my mood swings, I am on the right track and this is always going to be a learning curve.  None of us are perfect though we strive to be.  We measure ourselves against other people's experiences and are taught that the do, be, eat, talk, think better than someone, and to have more, is all that matters.  This is balls.

So what I'm trying to do now is be a bit more insular.  Not in a negative way, I would never consider myself to be merely an island or act so aloof as to alienate people.  More that I am trying to rely on my own energy and feelings about things.  I was never a sheep anyway.  I had a lot of trouble when growing up trying to understand why it was so important to be part of a crowd, do the same things, wear the same clothes and all that nonsense.  I try now to draw power from the right people and situations, think about what I really want from this time we have and how I want my life to be.  I've cut a lot of people and things out now that I don't believe are beneficial.  I recognise and accept my emotions.  I try to think more positively and laugh every day (the one thing we all want ultimately is happiness, right?). My only problems now are procrastination and impatience!  Frustration gets the better of me at low points.

All this is making me view the pregnancy, and, more importantly, my impending motherhood and daughter-to-be, in a much healthier light.  Where I was fearful and apprehensive, even naive, now I want to experience these things with vigour, examine them, test my strength and appreciate every minute.  When my mind goes back to 'shallow mode' and I am moaning about some pain or telling someone about a horror story I read about a caesarean, it's only a couple of quick snaps away from me reminding myself of how lucky I am, or that so many women have been through this more than once and lived to tell a tale of happy they are to have their children in their lives.  The recent drought and famine in Kenya and Ethiopia have also helped to sharpen my mind.  Women there are walking for 4 weeks with themselves, their husbands and kids suffering malnutrition to camps to get some food or medical aid.  Being beaten up or robbed on the way.  Leaving less strong family members behind.  I think my tubby arse can get out of bed for work, stretch my legs for some yoga or make it down to Sainsbury's to buy groceries without it being an issue!

The mind workout stuff is hard to get to grips with at first, of course, and I will always fall back a little and get all uppity and whiny.  Practice makes perfect I suppose.  It is so important for me to be at peace with myself before I bring this child into the world otherwise I will not be able to pass on the strength and wisdom of my mother and grandmother to her which is what I really want to do as a mother.

Oh, and I need to write more often.  Do some more progress reports!  I am 31 weeks and 2 days now.  Francesca is getting bigger and quite wriggly at times, but I still don't have a massive bump.  Definitely showing though.  Heartburn is a real bitch.  I was all about Rennie but another lady who's already given birth suggested the absolute JOY that is Gaviscon!  Man that stuff is good.  Still get quite tired.  It's nice to rest but I really don't want to spend all my time sleeping.  I just had some holiday from work which was cool and to get back into the routine of commuting and being at work was a bit strange at first.  I have just over 6 weeks left until I go on maternity if little miss doesn't decide to show up too early.  It's going to be a long, busy summer!