I haven't blogged for a while as usual, but for once I can't even say fatigue, laziness or work have been the excuse. I've been on Maternity Leave for just over 2 weeks now, and every time I've felt the compulsion to write I go look at something else, some website about fitness advice, veganism or spirituality. When you think you've found something and you have all the answers you need, your brain still tells you to have another look, 'just in case I'm not done yet'...
The Vegan thing is a bit of a pickle. I don't think I could ever be a Vegan, even for moral reasons albeit they are very noble. I like meat. 'Bacon tastes good, Pork Chops taste good...'! Last week Stu and I celebrated 2 years of being together. Thankfully it was his day off so we enjoyed a lovely day together (except for that shit bit in the middle at Tesco's, but it's cool, we'll never go there again) and decided in the evening to hit up TGI Friday's. Surprisingly busy for a Wednesday night, but we had a great time, a good chat (two new things I learned about him that evening: He detests celery and thinks Pink the singer is attractive!) and some damned fine meat. I ate a whole rack of ribs!! Considering that was part of a 3 course meal and I'm carrying an almost full-term baby, it was a tough feat, but dammit it tasted good! So, when I do things like that, and eat eggs (I lurve eggs... *drool*) and proudly walk out of KFC with a 3 piece meal and a corn on the cob, it makes me wonder why the idea of eating purely fruit, vegetables, grains and nuts intrigues me. I have been eating cack for England during this whole pregnancy and it occurred to me a few weeks' back that once Little Miss Lloyd Browne arrives, it would be a great opportunity to get my body to the peak of health and fitness. Obviously not by starving myself of vital nutrients I will need to breast feed and run around after her. But by trying to put better fuel in the proverbial tank. So, the junk food will be phased out and a lot more fresh produce will come in to replace it. And I'll get back on the Boxing training, Pilates and Yoga to build strength. It certainly won't be easy, but I've been looking around for inspiration and it hit me the other day, if some dumb cow who can't even string a sentence together, let alone operate a camera and put her stupid arse on You Tube, can motivate herself to do the best for her health, mind, body and child, I think I can muster some time every day once I've gotten into a routine with the baby. And I've never really been fit before. Since my early teens I've been eating out of boredom, excitement, as rewards, as consolation or because it just happened to be lunchtime. I was very carefree before then. And I was skinny. I ran around and played with the other kids, rode my bike all over the place, read my books and wrote my stories. No Fear. Kids have a beautiful confidence and innocence in them that's kind of beaten away by growing up and 'facing reality', like that's ever helpful. I can't pinpoint the exact time, but gradually the Self Conscious learned to loathe me and I suppose as I was never one to follow fashion and become Emo or cut myself, food was an easier and tastier alternative. I certainly think my relationship with food has improved over time, but I am under no illusions that I've been thoughtful during the pregnancy and have even used this time as an excuse to eat whatever the hell I liked (except for stuff that could harm the baby, I've been quite strict about that. The Irony!). No more excuses. Plus I've had some fucking awful heartburn the past 3 weeks and I know a lot of it is because there's a baby taking up space and playing with my organs, but I also recognise that rich, fatty, salty food does tend to repeat and takes longer to digest. As for the meat; it won't be cut out but it will be cut down. This is why I can't be a Vegan. Maybe as time goes on I will try other things, give being meat-free a couple of weeks or so to see how I feel. We are talking about a loooooooong way in the distance!
Another reason I've not written for a while is because when I did try a while back I ended up writing complete vitriolic nonsense about society. I was very, very angry about the riots and subsequent looting that happened in London a couple of weeks ago. It did take a while for the anger to subside. I realise that it isn't helpful to me or my baby to spend so much time being angry about the world. Stuff like that gets to me, though. I am a member of society too and I don't understand (and still don't) why a group of people would behave like that and even try to justify it in various ways after the event. It's so easy to blame other groups of people or your circumstances for your predicament, but where does your personal responsibility come into it then? Why does nobody understand that they do have a choice? After a while I began to despair of the rolling media coverage, finger pointing, internet bile and stupid arguments and decided it was easier to try and be positive instead. Focus on being the shining example or antidote. "Be the change you want to see in the world." (Ghandi) Then nobody can come to your door with any weak arguments about why they can't do something or everything being pointless. I honestly don't believe in a pessimistic view of the world being a 'real' view. I think it is a hell of a lot easier to be pessimistic than optimistic because, unfortunately, a lot of other people will agree with you and back your concept up when you present it in context. We human beings seem to enjoy taking each other down. Optimists are ridiculed. People are blocked or mocked when they have a passion or a dream. Overcoming obstacles is one of life's most important lessons when it comes to Success. You only really fail if you stop trying. It just seems to me that life was a hell of a lot harder for people before now and yet there were some who made something of themselves. People in our culture now expect everything to be handed to them on a plate with no conscious ideas or thoughts of how to earn these rights, privileges and possessions. Where's the achievement in that? Where's the moral tale? What good will that do you when you're older? You'll have learned nothing and have nothing to contribute to society. Success is as much about give and take as it is about hard work.
I suppose what I've reinforced recently is building my personal strength, mental and physical, in order to get to where I want to be in life, and this isn't about brute force or aggression. It's about confidence, acceptance, joy and love.
Deep eh? :-)
In some baby-related news.... not much has happened. Scans, tests, all fine, seems like I'm having a perfectly healthy-if-slightly-angry baby (saw her in a 3D scan, her face was all screwed up, she really doesn't like any of these machines!) who is the right size, in the right position and hasn't caused me to have all the horrific health problems that I know some others have had the misfortune to suffer with (so far). I am happy and blessed. As for my 'Midwife'... I despair. I'm not going to write any more about her. Normally I let anger get the better of me and write some kind of Facebook status about how much she is annoying me so I guess everyone knows how I feel now! I am not very tolerant when it comes to incompetence. If you are incapable of doing your job properly, please just stop and go play in the traffic so somebody else who actually can do the job and does give a shit can have a go. As it's so close to the end now and there's no real point in trying to change anything, I think I will wait until after Fran is born and then transfer my dealings to the Health Centre at the end of my road. Makes sense anyway. Why on earth do I drive across town for 20 minutes every time I have an appointment when I can walk for less than five minutes to a surgery at the end of my own road? *shrugs and raises eyebrows* Still woefully unprepared for everything right now, but it's coming together slowly. Taking baby steps (pun intended).
Need some water.
