I'm done

I'm fed up, down and I want to start everything over again. I'd talk to someone but I really don't think moaning helps, plus I'm tired of talking. Nobody gives a shit what I say anyway. Oh well, suck it up princess. I'm the only one that can make me happy. Just don't know how. So lost. So fucking lost. 

I know I should have posted more this year, but I didn't. So there.

I'm in the bath. The place for pretty much all epiphanies. Just ask Archimedes. 

My mother once, in one of her spontaneous lectures, told me that in order for me to be a success in my life, on my own terms, I would have to fight harder than those with privilege. I would have to fight twice as hard as a man because I'm a woman. I would have to fight three times as hard as a man of wealth because I came from a poor background. And I would have to fight four times as hard as a white man of wealth because I'm black. It seems like I have forgotten those words all these years, sat here bemoaning my 'luck', being grateful for any little scrap of joy sent my way, creating a world for myself where I'm not happy with what I have or what I've become, but convincing myself this is my lot, and it is enough. 

It's not. I'm better than this. I have too many dreams to fulfil, too much responsibility to myself and my family to be average or below. It's time to fight harder. Why the hell have I been so fucking lazy? Argh!  Anyway, as the saying goes, "The best time to plant a tree is 40 years ago. The second best time is today."

Thanks Mum, for popping by and reminding me of that.