1 Week Later...

She's HERE!

This time last week I was sat in a bed in the hospital Labour Ward after being in labour for over 25 hours (yes, that was labour I was feeling in my last post, D'oh!), trying desperately to breathe through the pain and stay in control.  I would love to explain how friggin' wrong it was of me to think I was ever going to have some CONTROL over this situation, but I am tired, it's late and she will be up soon for night feeds, so I guess I'll come back to my story soon.

But Yay, go me!  I am a mother! :-)

Isn't she beautiful?

2

2 Days to go.

So, erm, I'm sat in front of the computer feeling this bad pain in my lower back every so often.  I wouldn't say they are getting closer, but I've had this back pain a little bit after eating or just before wanting to use the loo for the past 3 or 4 days and not as intense as it is right now.  Thought it was just wind (seriously).  I actually had to come online and read some sites about contractions and labour pains to fully appreciate what is happening.  So, yeah, this could be early labour.

Or, it could not.  The pain could go away, or be 'practice pains' or Braxton Hicks (although I don't get that impression).  I've had a bit of pelvic pain for the past few days too.  And last Thursday... mucus.... I won't go into detail about that.  I get the impression from reading around I'm not the only first-timer who hasn't got a clue what's happening to her own body.  It's a shame new mothers-to-be have to turn to each other and the internet for advice on signs and how to cope.  Imagine what it was like before the computer age?!  I knew a lot of things, I'm prepared for this, but because this is unknown territory for me I guess I didn't want to acknowledge it at first because then that would mean the big scary thing I said I didn't want to happen is about to happen.  Damn!

Well, at least all the things I ordered from the internet finally arrived today, so I can't say I'm not prepared.  Plus, I have appointments tomorrow (Tuesday) at the hospital and with the midwife.  If they can't tell if I'm in labour, there's no hope for me!  Stu has been on massage duty but is also firmly glued to the US Open mens' final.  I actually don't mind, it's better than him flapping.  I hate flappy people, they get you all worked up too when you're trying to be calm.  Oh, and there's a full moon tonight.  My Aunt said your baby comes on the moon cycle from when you missed your first period.  Maybe I should've believed her!

I think I shall retire to my bed and lie down, see where some sleep takes me.

7

7 Days!  1 Week!

Well, only 5% of babies actually arrive on their due date, so there's a slim chance I'll be holding my newborn daughter by this time next week.  But she could come early!  Oh, and it's my Dad's Birthday on the 15th, so that would be a nice gift (and save me having to think of something).

I am so happy right now, my friend Chris Wallis from work has been found alive and well after not being seen for just over 2 weeks.  I was very worried about him, especially when I and others were told he had been having issues.  I can honestly say I had no idea he was having any problems or was feeling so helpless.  He is a very happy-go-lucky, bubbly sort of person (sometimes to the point of annoyance!) who is always cracking jokes and singing.  It just seemed so unlike him to want to leave his friends, family and home behind.  This situation, amongst others this year, has reminded me that you really don't know a person at all and we are never in a position to judge others.  The human mind is fragile and is just as easily swelled by praise and esteem as it is crushed by criticism and disrespect.  I'm also really pleased because I truly credit love, hope, faith and belief as positive emotions that bring the absolute best to everyone's lives, and I think the group Chris's family and friends set up gave us all a place to have a collective consciousness.  It was a place to focus our good thoughts and feelings on the best outcome.  People on the internet, and I am very happy to include myself in this, are very free with their words when it comes to things they hate and stuff that angers them.  We can spread vitriol easily from behind a monitor.  To do the opposite, to spread love and wish greatness for others is less obvious.  I am being made aware in so many ways that it is one of life's purposes to share good vibes and support those around me, especially when you don't think they need it, because that's when they will probably need it the most.

I'm feeling good at the moment.  A lot more casual, calm, happier.  I can tell I'm not far off from the time of birth.  Little Miss Francesca has dropped down lower into my pelvis (which is fun sometimes when I get up from a chair and try to walk somewhere) and my appetite has increased.  Plus I no longer get that horrible acid reflux.  A bit of Peppermint tea or some gum helps the wind.  Stu had a day off from work today.  He went to get his hair cut (finally, as I said to him I don't think Fran will be too pleased coming out to see she has Liam Gallagher for a father!) and see his mate before things kick off.  He is excited, I can tell, a bit nervous like me.  I wonder what he is going to be like in the delivery room?  Stu can get a bit flustered sometimes when there's lots going on and I know he will worry about me and the pain I'll be in.  I hope that this occasion will bring kind of 'chaotic calm' to both of us and we can get each other through it.  Plus I'm relying on him for lots of massages and supplies of food and water so he'd better keep his shit together!

*Massive Yawn*

Strength

Just a short note about how I am feeling right now.

I've just read a book called 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho.  Heard about it in the past but for some reason it jumped out at me last week and I went on Amazon.co.uk and bought it.  What will this do for me, I wondered when it finally arrived.

I've read powerful books with timely messages in the past and shared lots of ideas with good friends but this book is a little different in that it speaks to me but it also invites me to speak to myself and to the world.  It's not just lots of sage advice.  It's about your connection with everything and having the courage to fulfill your destiny.  Those little signs we receive every day, they are there for a reason, to guide and inspire, sometimes to warn.  I think quite often after a particularly bad event we always say "I knew that was going to happen, if only..."  The beauty of intuition is that we CAN and SHOULD listen.  If we are brave enough to accept it.

In connection to my pregnancy, as much as I've relaxed into the idea of what's about to happen this month, I still have moments where I don't feel like I've done enough, I feel lost or like I don't know what to do or I'm going to do something really stupid and feel such a fool.  It seems easier to sit around ane bemoan my fate rather then get up and do something (plus I'm always sleepy nowadays!).  I've been pondering the idea of having the strength to do all this.  Mental as well as physical.  Some women prepare for this their whole lives and seem to come out happy and smiling despite the pain and stress.  Some describe it as one of the worst (as well as best because of the resulting child) days of their life.  Tonight, after a lot of thought and a damned good weep I have realised this:

1.  I am not everyone else.  I cannot compare myself to other people.  I am me, and an amazing version if I do say so myself!  Whatever will be, will be.  The thing which we are connected to and by will conspire to bring me the strength I need when the time comes, so I should stop worrying about my capabilities.  And, if I am honest with myself.... I know I am strong already, and I do have a lot of self belief.  It sounds odd to say that because you're not supposed to big yourself up in society anymore, that marks you as an arrogant person and, as I always say, there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance.  However, I was talking to a work colleague last night about changing aspects of you life that are harmful to you, and as I said to her, nobody else is walking around with a sandwich board on it which reads 'ERICA BROWNE IS AMAZING!!" so maybe it's about time I sold myself to get to where I need to be.

2.  I've been beating myself up for a long time over the past, my health, money, old relationships, family, deaths, cross words, times when I've felt helpless and weak and given up on something.  It is no longer necessary.  I imagined tonight being stood in a room with all the people who have come into my life, good and bad.  They were all smiling at me and told me it was OK, there was no need for any blame or hurt anymore.  My Mum and Nan were there; they took my hands  (was it strange that it felt real, that I remember how their hands looked and felt?) and both smiled at me and said they would be with me.  I've always felt like I never did enough for either of them when they died and have been carrying around a lot of guilt.  I want to be the best, just for them; the two most important women in my life.  I cried the most when they let me go, but I think it was out of relief.

A most troublesome burden has finally lifted.  I am free to make decisions without guilt and with love and support, knowing that whatever the outcome it will always be for the best.

Time for some sleep, bought another 3 Paulo Coelho books tonight on Amazon and the recommendations page keeps blinking at me.  Plus Miss Francesca is getting restless.  She really is going to be a night owl.