Read it, don't read it

One of my brother's friends, who I'm friends with on Facebook, made a very valid point earlier by way of a tweet. You'll understand the slight irony in all of this when you read further on.

He said that people treat social networking sites like popularity contests, and that Twitter made a mistake using the term 'followers'. I'm not directly quoting here, but that's the gist of his tweet. I'm inclined to agree with him.

I don't do Twitter. I've looked at it maybe twice. I don't get the appeal; it seems like a lot of fuss for 140 characters or less and I can't be dealing with all that '@' and '#' nonsense, although I've used the odd hash tag recently, mainly for comedic effect, on Facebook. And, I have FACEBOOK! Why do I need to record my thoughts in so many different places (see, I told you there would be irony)?

Recently I've started using Instagram, a handy little app on the iPhone (think they're working on the Android version now) that lets you take pictures and apply funky filters so your pics look a bit cooler. That's pretty much it. Jazzing up phone pics. I'm just starting to understand the etiquette, but there is an awful amount of elitism. Subscribing to a user's feed is also referred to as 'following' on there, and it seems people spend an awful amount of time begging for likes and followers, saying they'll. 'like 5 of yours if you like 3 of mine' and 'plssssss follow meeeee', stuff like that. Why? What's so important about how many people clicked a button which added an extra digit to a number on a screen? You're not going to connect emotionally with these people. They're not your friends. The footballer Cesc Fabregas is on there, he has a 5-digit number of followers, but only follows 2 users. Do you think he gives a shit? He has 6 pictures on Instagram, he's got better things to do than worry about his follower count.

I get what social networking does for people, it makes the world smaller and connects you instantly to old and new friends, shows you things you might never otherwise experience unless you travel, and most importantly, it informs. I think, unfortunately, a lot of people do treat their pages like 'Let's see how many people I can get to notice my digital existence' games.

So, what are my pages for? Well Instagram is because I used to do photography and I like taking photos, Facebook is for sharing bits of info, photos and keeping in touch with people I care about, and this here blog is for indulging my ego and ranting about shit I don't like. That's it. If 2 people or 2000 people read my stuff or look at my pics, what does that matter? It's the *right* people I'm after.

Sometimes...

... the Universe doesn't need to send you gifts or great epiphanies or remove the obstacles from your path.

Sometimes the only thing the Universe has to do is remind you of how blessed you already are.

Alone

I was just talking to Stu while I was in the bath about my 'Wasteman/Wastegyal' (use as appropriate) friends who it seems like I'm forever chasing. Stu was very vocal in his opinions about having to pursue friendships. I often get into the same mindset as him, you know "Fuck 'em, they're not bothered so why should I be?" which is understandable, but then I soon forget and I go back to normal service. But when he finished talking, I had a thought of my own: I'm a fucking Queen! I do whatever I like, sod the subjects, they can come along for the ride or not, I rule!!

I'm thinking tomorrow I might have a 'Me Party'. Before the days of motherhood and partnership, I spent a good couple of years getting to know me again and learning to enjoy my own company. Partly because it was time to do so, partly because my scumbag ex left me flat broke and in debt, and partly because I'd had so much trauma from the scumbag ex that I really needed the time out. Yeah, I socialised and laughed and worked and functioned, but it was all a bit meaningless when you've been pushed to the very depths of your soul and had to make life changing decisions.

I just realised where I was going with that, and I've had to think about whether I want to go there or not. Fuck it, it's part of my life and who I am. Not many people know this , but I chose to terminate a pregnancy during the same long, drawn out period of breaking up with the ex. I told him about it after we were done, he was more concerned about quizzing me on whether I'd been sleeping with one of my friends behind his back. I really can't be arsed to go into the minute details of our pointless relationship, but anyone who knows me will know that for him to quiz me on my fidelity was a massive fucking cheek considering his blatant lying, cheating and theft. And no, I didn't cheat on him. As the months dragged on and it occurred to me a) what he was up to, and b) my physical ache wasn't just down to stress, I had to decide very quickly if I wanted to produce a life into the world with this man. Judging by how he treated his son and son's mother, I knew I would get zero input from him. I would spend a lifetime loving this child but resenting its existence, then poisoning its mind against the deadbeat father they had, and all other men who happened to cross our path and put a foot wrong. It was such a hard decision to make, and I don't believe for second it was all based on him. If I'd spent less time believing in the power of love and more in the power of my common sense, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I was aware of many doctors telling me it would be nigh on impossible for me to become pregnant naturally because of my PCOS and weight, so it always felt like a missed opportunity. And I believe she was with me, she had a soul. Yes, I think it was a girl. I was around 8 weeks so we'll never know for sure. She would've been 5 this year. On the other hand, I don't think it would've been fair in any way to bring a child into the world who wasn't wanted by both parents and who would have a hard time reconciling their feelings about this man as they grew up. So yeah, that's the basics of that situation.

Anyway, back to my original point. I was very down, very poor (I remember a month where, after I'd paid all my bills and for my shopping and travel card, I had 12p in my purse) and felt pretty alone. When you're really down on your luck, a lot of people disappear. They can't deal with your emotions and transition. I had to find ways to save money and stay stress-free. I walked around London a lot, started to do Yoga and ate a lot of 8p noodles! I began to appreciate my surroundings, the walking gave me time to think and work stuff out, and I discovered places I'd never have bothered to look at if I was still wrapped up in dream land. I worked on my confidence. I didn't need to have people to go out with. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to people, but I'm at my most joyful smelling fresh air, feeling the sun on my skin and listening to my favourite songs. Music also played a very important part in my 'self therapy'. I lost a lot of weight, focused on my happiness and attracting a better man into my life when I needed him and sorted out my finances.

Eventually, I knew everything would be ok, and it is. My second chance at motherhood (I firmly believe the Universe sends you things when it knows you're ready for them; the first time I chose to ignore the sign, I don't need to be told twice!) is sleeping soundly with my best (boy)friend and tomorrow I get the chance to have another one of my 'Me Parties'. Think I'll take myself somewhere nice for lunch and a good long walk, despite the rubbish weather.

Boredom

Today I was a bit pissed off because I was bored. I walked up Shooters Hill to Welling, saw a rat and did a bit of food shopping. I was meant to go out this evening with my friend Toby but he was waiting for a mate of his to arrive from Spain. So nothing happened and I was tired and cold and feeling a bit sorry for myself. As I'm trying to rock Fran to sleep, I've just seen an advert featuring Lady Gaga. It occurred to me that as much as I crave adventure and excitement, Lady Gaga must have days where she's utterly bored of having to wear some costume and be witty or creative. I bet she has days where all she wants to do is sit down in front of the TV watching an old Derren Brown show, eating pickled onions while her child tries to chew on her extensions.
I bet Beyonce has those days too.
And I bet Robbie Williams is looking forward to it.

I am truly blessed to be a mother and every day is a miraculous discovery. But even the best of us have an 'off' day. Mine now continues with a child who has grown tired of my hair (and sleep, it seems) and is now having a good old moan while her father tries to appease her.

1st Step

Today I am beginning.
Today I am starting a new chapter. A journey, as many refer to it.

I am starting from a place of love and acceptance. People often start important journeys because they hate something about themselves or experience pain or fear from whatever it is. I understand that. It has never worked for me though, not in the long run. Besides, how on earth are you going to improve yourself if you can't see how worthy you are now?

So, I'm not perfect. This was never meant to be the right time. I don't have enough money, tools, support or experience. And, most importantly, there is no map for this journey, which makes me very afraid of what I'm about to encounter. But, I must make the best of today. I must start today. And today, I am good enough, I have lots of support, I have enough money and I can get the tools as I go along. I will gain experience from progress.

It's pretty good to be me right now. :-)

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." I can't recall who said this, but you understand the significance.