Being Erica

Not sleeping well tonight, probably due to the vast amounts of sugar I ingested before I came back to bed. Usual fuck up. Anyway, was just reading up about names and found myself reading the same stuff about Erica bring this strong, eternal ruler, passionate and compassionate, fearless, fiery, a natural leader etc etc. All the things I feel inside and want to be, but still trapping them under this thick, well aged layer of insecurity. Everything  in my life, from my heritage, family, 'story' and trials suggests I should be this fearless warrior and Queen already, and yet I still let EVERYBODY tell me I'm not good enough, in so many ways. I wasn't born for this crap. My mother didn't work hard to see me lay down and die. Being nice  is great, but if people don't consider you or think you have anything to offer, they ignore you, or worse, disrespect you. I'm tired of living a life by other people's rules. This is mine. I want it back! I've made bad choices and blamed all outside of me for this long. No more. NO MORE! It's either do or die now. I am tired. But there's hard work to be done. 

Tata Madiba

I'm reading all sorts of shit on the internet about what a bad person Nelson Mandela was, the man isn't even cold!! I'll say three things about it:

The same thought I had when Margaret Thatcher died - yeah you may not have liked her or respected her views and actions, but she left family behind who are grieving and she was a flawed human being, just like you. Have some (self) respect! Swap female pronouns for male, you get my gist.

I hate the fact that people will excuse the violence of war as 'for the greater good', violence never solved anything, and if anyone learned that the hard way, it was Nelson Mandela. Yeah he got frustrated after black people were being slain left, right and centre despite their Ghandi led action of peaceful protests, so he and some others went militant. People died because of his plans. He was angry and fighting. But he was fighting for equality, so all people no matter their colour would be treated the same. He didn't fight for oil, pride, money, or to oppress another race. Where were the punishments for the deaths of black South Africans? Did those white men get called Terrorists? Were they publicly degraded? Did they have their freedom or lives taken away?

And my last point - people are very quick to judge actions based on their perceptions of the situation. But while you're pointing fingers, Mandela would've forgiven you. 

May he enjoy his eternal sleep, while we all enjoy the fruits of his labour, and many others who fought for freedom. 

In the moment

I'm looking at my daughter Francesca. She's wearing her sunglasses and holding a colourful fan light, smiling at the now familiar motion. Waving her hands around excitedly.

And that's where it hits me. I never want to leave her alone. And I never want to let her down.