I'm done

I'm fed up, down and I want to start everything over again. I'd talk to someone but I really don't think moaning helps, plus I'm tired of talking. Nobody gives a shit what I say anyway. Oh well, suck it up princess. I'm the only one that can make me happy. Just don't know how. So lost. So fucking lost. 

I know I should have posted more this year, but I didn't. So there.

I'm in the bath. The place for pretty much all epiphanies. Just ask Archimedes. 

My mother once, in one of her spontaneous lectures, told me that in order for me to be a success in my life, on my own terms, I would have to fight harder than those with privilege. I would have to fight twice as hard as a man because I'm a woman. I would have to fight three times as hard as a man of wealth because I came from a poor background. And I would have to fight four times as hard as a white man of wealth because I'm black. It seems like I have forgotten those words all these years, sat here bemoaning my 'luck', being grateful for any little scrap of joy sent my way, creating a world for myself where I'm not happy with what I have or what I've become, but convincing myself this is my lot, and it is enough. 

It's not. I'm better than this. I have too many dreams to fulfil, too much responsibility to myself and my family to be average or below. It's time to fight harder. Why the hell have I been so fucking lazy? Argh!  Anyway, as the saying goes, "The best time to plant a tree is 40 years ago. The second best time is today."

Thanks Mum, for popping by and reminding me of that. 

Future & Present

Every second you're getting older, marching towards an ultimatum. Whether you like it or not, whether you choose to do everything or nothing, time will always, always move on. I'm even older now than the person who wrote the word 'Every' at the beginning of this paragraph. Talking to people, experiences, spending time in my own mind, have lead me to a conclusion we all know but often ignore. It's all about living in the now, giving very little thought to what has been unless you're being asked to recall something. Plan by all means, but work in harmony with your 'Now' self, and the world as it is now, in order to find the love, happiness and balance you are looking for.

Here is a short note to my younger self:

1. Really, truly do not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. They are not your maker.

2. Hard work always gets results.

3. Be confident and value yourself.

4. Do it! Real regrets only come from not doing something.

5. Stop eating so much fucking mayonnaise.

6. It won't always be easy. Suck it up, embrace the feeling and then let it go.

Write a note to your younger selves, live the purpose of that note now, and take all the words with you to the future.

Got Lucky?

Another one of my rambling mind thoughts.  (please bear in mind, I'm not a scientist nor do I claim to be, so feel free to back up/rubbish my theories with some stuff I won't understand.  I'm not here for Science awards, I'm here to spew my inner chatter.)

I read about 3 things recently.

1.  If it wasn't for a genetic quirk, our jaws wouldn't have become smaller in relation to our heads, which in turn gave the brain the capacity to grow larger and took us that vital step away from our ape-like cousins.

2.  Some Americans got mad because Coca Cola played an advertisement during the recent Super Bowl where people sang 'America The Beautiful' in various languages.

3.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman died in his home of an apparent drug overdose.

What do all these things have in common?  Luck.  Fate.  Circumstance.  Whatever you want to call it, here's my theory:

Nature, as we've come to understand through science, tends to lean towards the strong and eliminate the weak.  Everything that we see, have, hear and do is a result of genetic quirks (the jaw), mutations (we've lost tails and extra body hair through evolution, for example) and simple accidents (I'm putting it out there; the person who realised how to make fire was probably bored and rubbing things...).  None of these points are asked for or creatively engineered.  Now I know this could go into some shaky territory too, regarding religion and its role in our presence, but even then you can say that 'man' never asked for existence, it was given to us by whichever god you believe in.  Either way, you're only here because the genes are strong in your line, our brains developed and we got smart enough to sustain our existence (for the moment) and it's taken many thousands of years and some real lucky incidents that you even exist.  Good thing your Great Great Great Great Grandfather didn't eat that bad chicken that time, eh?

Similarly, the Superbowl thing left me scratching my head.  Not actually, that would look retarded.  As a black person, in this day and age I still don't understand the racism that is hurled with such anger towards me and my fellow people-who-aren't-Western-white, but it's still there so you just roll with the punches.  If you want to read some of the interesting tweets/posts and see the commercial check here.  Americans especially seem to be quite obsessed with 'Patriotism' to me, a lot of people are proud of where they call home, but I would prefer that they embrace their strengths rather than constantly pointing out the flaws.  The thing that amuses me the most, is that the USA is a country built on mass immigration, and yet they're so hung up on being American.  What the hell is 'being American'?  Or British, French, Japanese or any other nationality for that matter?  National Identity is one thing; accepting that many people from other cultures and nations are living in places they are foreign to and trying to get by without your crap seems to be another.  To paraphrase Chris Rock, the only reason a person is born a nationality is because their mother chose to open her legs on that country's soil.  That's it.  You're a genetic lottery.  Yes, people move to other places and tend to adopt the new country's mother tongue, values etc., and you can change your nationality to suit that.  But again that's circumstance-led.  Careers, love, finance, famine, war, can all play a major part in where you end up in life.  So maybe some of those folks throwing around statements about a TV ad being 'unpatriotic' should take some time to think about where their grandparents could have ended up if they'd had different fortunes?

Now, with regards to Mr Phillip Seymour Hoffman...  I used to be one of those folks who would be perplexed as to why a person couldn't just put down the bottle/pipe/needle if their families or careers meant so much to them.  How could they not just want to live?  It's been a while, and I still believe in choices, but, as with my previous 2 examples above, I see and understand how the role of circumstance and genetics govern the actions of most of us.  Even those who feel they have all the will power and self control in the world, only have that because their brains are wired to do so.  Everybody has a 'thing' (but some don't know how to handle it), a problem, addiction, flaw.  It's just that some of us are, through many things like nurture, environment and good old fate are dealing with less dramatic (or deemed less dramatic in society, one man's hang nail is another's disaster) issues.  I am a food addict, I eat sandwiches and mayonnaise like they're my life elixir.  I give up sometimes, and other times I binge.  As time and experience have gone on, I've learnt better ways to deal with what's behind my behaviour and try to combat it with exercise and thoughtful eating.  But, and this is the thing that was hard to accept, it will always be there because that's just how my brain works.  This is what I crave.  I know people that are addicted to sex, alcohol, theft and drugs.  Some others are addicted to hard work, doing daring things, giving.  We're all searching for that buzz, that bit of our brain where the synapses spark into life and give us the feeling we want.  Some of us are more inclined to getting that feeling more and in less positive ways, to the detriment of anything and anyone else, and common sense.  Depression also plays a major role in our day to day actions.  I don't think anyone would ask to be so messed up and controlled by an object or desire outside of their bodies.  It's painful, but we are born with these predilections.  We spend the rest of our lives either satisfying our impulses or trying to find ways to ignore the calls.  It appears PSH was a recovering addict who had recently relapsed.  The 'one last time' turned out to be it, a combination of the drugs, genetics and our friend Fate.  He was a very talented actor and had 3 young children. I'm sure he would never have chosen to die in the way he did.  But Luck wasn't on his side that day.

So I guess the moral of my rambling is:

You've got choices.  But you've also got a bunch of stuff you didn't ask for or want to deal with handed to you on a plate before you were even thought of.  And life is a wonderful equation of fate + circumstance divided by choices x effort.  I'm unlucky in some respects, but I'm lucky in others.  We all are.

Every day I choose to be grateful for that, keep working on the positives.

Good Erica Browne

I was watching Good Will Hunting last week, hence the title. I wish I didn't have to explain that, but sometimes things I say are clearly too subtle. Anyhoo...

I like the winter. It makes me feel real. The starkness of trees, the emotion in precipitation, disappearing creatures. It's all very honest. You have to face it, and generally embrace it. Plus, you can do things to get warm when you're cold. Summer is beautiful, I enjoy sunshine, but I hate being hot as barely anything can keep you cool.  I get the feeling all that light and heat does go to people's heads, bringing a truth to the term 'Summer Madness'. Also a fine tune by Kool & The Gang! You can pretend everything's alright when you're out drinking and it's warm and everyone is smiling. Winter is a time for reflection and renewal.

And I guess January is the greatest period of that cold reality check. When the excitement and organised chaos of Christmas and New Year are over, what are you left with? A voice in your head saying, "So, what happens now?" Resolutions. 

"I'm going to give up smoking."

"I want to swim with dolphins."

"I'll be a size 12 by the end of the year."

"This is my year, I will give up work and go travelling."

Noble, but once a little time goes by (10 days in my estimation) and you realise you're not even 1/10th of the way to your goal, the majority invariably give up. Can't do it. Gonna fuck it up anyway.  Oh well, there's always next week/month/year/lifetime. I'm guilty of this self pitying crime too, and as time had gone on, I've worked out there are 2 fundamental issues with the reflective life goal:

1. Specifics. You want to climb Mount Everest. Great, so you work out all the steps to do it, and write it all down, and follow it to the letter with a big red 'X' next to the completion date. Except you get made redundant so saving becomes a problem. Then you have an accident and hurt your leg, that throws off the training schedule. Then your Aunt dies and you deal with that emotion. Then you find out you can't go at that particular time of year. More and more obstacles are thrown at you, and somewhere along the line, you just give up because it's almost as if the universe doesn't want you to do it. And it doesn't help if you have a specific goal and you tell a bunch of people you're going to do this thing, many will comment (negatively) if it seems as though you're not close to achieving it in *their* idea of a reasonable time, giving echoes to the nagging voices in your head.  Not nice. Not everyone is equipped emotionally to deal with jumping over so many hurdles. They can't see the light at the end of the tunnel so they feel like failures, so they give up and confirm it. This is why I don't like specifics. Some people are fine with goal driven activity and can plan for all opportunities. I'd prefer to see a bigger picture and say to myself, "Ok, I'd like to do this one day. If I do as much good as I can right now and listen to my gut for cues, I'll get to where I need to be. And if it's there, great." See? No pressure. 

2. So, you want to climb Mount Everest? Really, you couldn't think of something else to do? Right, you've never even climbed Primrose Hill. Ah, fuck it, I'll lust after the idea but never get anywhere near achieving it because it's so huge. A lot of people dream of 'the impossible' but can never get their heads around how it can come to be. I say, it's a bit like eating an elephant (and how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time, Sir!), patience is the key here. Every day, just doing a little bit at a time. The time is going to pass anyway, might as well try.

This year I've decided not to be ordered or fanatical about getting this ideal life. I have a good life now and I should appreciate that. The key word here is 'Better'. I can always do better in any area, so I'm going to follow my instincts (valuable assets and pretty much spot on) and be a better me. A good me. Being 'Good' essentially means I don't do the bad stuff. The things that piss me off or make me feel as though I'm going nowhere. I'm not religious or anything so it's not about going to church or praying three times a day, but being gracious, looking after myself and my family, having self respect, keeping a happy vibe, giving. And while I'm busy doing that, opportunities and people will come my way. It's a bit like The Secret, but without the religious slant. I am working for and on me. That's how I feel this year is going to pan out.

I hope good things come your way too, dear reader. Whether you can eat an elephant or not. Be connected to your fellow human beings, you'll be surprised what might come your way if you bring positivity to the table. Basically...