Then the day came. We walked all the way down, Fran running/skipping happily through the greens of Greenwich. We arrive at a good time. The playground is full of parents and children; excited, crying, an air of nervousness acknowledged by the smiles and chatter of the staff. Then the bell rings. We're told we're leaving the children to go into class on their own. Fran looks for us and waves. She says, "Goodbye." She looks a little afraid but fine. We quietly shuffle off, back up the stairs, put Charlotte in her chair, slowly walk back up the hill towards home. All the time I'm trying to figure out what just happen, and why I feel like everything has changed in an instant. With a look.
A friend writes on my status that when she took her child to school the first time, a stranger said she was 'sending her baby to the wolves'. Then I realised. It all made sense. Another friend asks me how I felt about taking Fran on her first day. I write the following with tears in my eyes:
"... I wasn't too fussed until I saw her face amongst the sea of faces of these children, cutting the ties to their parents for the first proper time (nursery didn't feel like any sort of separation). She looked ok but a little nervous. Some kids were bawling. We walked away quietly, got some bread from the shop on the way back, fed Charlotte at home, had our breakfast then Stu went to pick her up (half days for the first week). I sat down and read a comment from one of my friends about putting her out into the world. And I cried. It's true. You spend so much time either loving their cuteness or wishing they would fuck off and leave you alone, and as soon as you cut the proverbial cord you realise how vulnerable they are and you've put this little person out into the big wide world, and for the first real time... You're not there to protect them. These teachers, this institution, these classmates, they're going to mould and shape them into individuals you won't recognise, they'll be burnt by rejection and bruised by anger, they'll experience joy and friendship and learn so much, and have this wonderful adventure without having to hold your hand. Very awesome and very scary."
She had a great day. She played a lot at school, then had lunch with Daddy and they went to the park and played with some friends.
I lost a baby and gained a small independent satellite version of... I don't know. My child? A child? Francesca.
This is the first of many adventures.
