Being Erica

Not sleeping well tonight, probably due to the vast amounts of sugar I ingested before I came back to bed. Usual fuck up. Anyway, was just reading up about names and found myself reading the same stuff about Erica bring this strong, eternal ruler, passionate and compassionate, fearless, fiery, a natural leader etc etc. All the things I feel inside and want to be, but still trapping them under this thick, well aged layer of insecurity. Everything  in my life, from my heritage, family, 'story' and trials suggests I should be this fearless warrior and Queen already, and yet I still let EVERYBODY tell me I'm not good enough, in so many ways. I wasn't born for this crap. My mother didn't work hard to see me lay down and die. Being nice  is great, but if people don't consider you or think you have anything to offer, they ignore you, or worse, disrespect you. I'm tired of living a life by other people's rules. This is mine. I want it back! I've made bad choices and blamed all outside of me for this long. No more. NO MORE! It's either do or die now. I am tired. But there's hard work to be done.