Old Stories

I dreamt about Matt Carter on Friday night.  I've not thought of or spoken about him for months, so it was a bit of a surprise to find him all 'movie star glamorous' and passionate in my subconscious.  For those who don't know me, a very brief rundown of events.

2004.  AOL Messenger.  We're both from Slough.  Date.  Salesman.  Clearly full of shit from day one.  Great Sex.  Retrieve necklace.  More Great Sex.  Strip Connect 4.  Moving away.  Boyfriends.  Girlfriends.  Still seeing each other in random places for random sex, drinks, hotel stays and heartache (I never cheated on any of my partners while I knew him).  I liked Matt way too much for a casual encounter.  He likes me, but he also likes games.  He's quite damaged.  Took me eight years to find that out.  Last year I was quite firm and told him he was a deceitful sack of shit and he needs to sort  himself out.  Not my exact words.  He immediately dropped out of contact.  Normally when we've had bad words he'd throw me a "Good Morning, how are you?" text three months later like shit never happened.  This time, I guess I hit an actual nerve.  More shocked that he's that upset, to be honest.

Anyway... I didn't have much time to process what I remembered because yesterday was very busy socially.  It was only when I woke up this morning I thought, "Did that actually happen?"  I tend to dream about frivolities as if I'm watching myself in a film, and this was a montage of romantic clichés.  Smiles, light kisses, restaurants, driving in the countryside, walking on the beach hand in hand.  Bleurgh.  I questioned myself for even letting those scenes enter my dream, as if I still wanted that outcome in my conscious life.  Yes, it was something I used to yearn for.  Immediately, I knew it wasn't on my horizon anymore, but having the dream brought up memories of the stories I used to tell myself to ease the situation.

This person is 'The One'.  If only I did/had/looked like...

We all do this.  There will be something in your life that presents itself as attainable, but only if...  The problem some of us have is we keep telling ourselves the same old stories over and over, no matter how much progress we make or the changes in circumstances.

I met a guy called Wolfgang last week.  He's someone I knew from my old Jamiroquai on line community.  Long story short, I bought him something years ago, sent it to him in Mexico, he didn't give me any remuneration and when I challenged him on that, he basically acted like a dick.  So, I've spent years telling myself the story that people, and he in particular, shouldn't be trusted, and he is a dick.  It was my experience, how else am I supposed to judge?  So when he got in touch a few months ago and offered to pay me back in all sorts of ways, I was thrown.  Eventually it turned out he was going to be in London for a few days and he wanted to meet.  Honestly, I didn't want to meet him!  I kept that years' aged fable in my head.  He is rude and not to be trusted.  Why did I go to meet him?  Because I suppose I'm older and wiser and know that not everything is so black and white.  Turns out he had his own side to the story which I understand, and he is a really nice guy.  Would I have gotten such a great experience and a chance to connect positively with another human if I had kept believing that story I wrote all those years ago?  I'm grateful he was gracious enough to reach out.

Obviously, the passing of time helps when you are trying to change your stories, but ultimately you have a choice as to what you believe.  I believed I wanted Matt to be my partner (I didn't, I wanted the attention, same as him), that he was amazing in all ways (yeah, he's packing some serious length in his underwear, but otherwise he's a walking fuck-up) and, the worst story, that HE WAS UNATTAINABLE BECAUSE I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!  Excuse me while I laugh like Chris Akabusi for 5 minutes...

I've talked about fear and depression and confidence in previous posts, but the story thing is something it's taken me a while to get my head around.  We write them, from experiences, from our childhood etc., and then we repeat them ad infinitum despite any new evidence to the contrary.  Unfortunately some of us will carry around that volume of bad thoughts for a lot longer than is necessary.  And isn't it funny how most of these stories are sad and oh so wrong?

I don't have ________ and I never will because of ________.
Nobody will really love me because of ____________.
I can't do that, I don't have ____________.
I'll never __________. These things just don't happen to me.
I'm too ____________.

I understand why we do it, it's a defence mechanism that works well when needed.  The first time something happens, your mind says, "Keep these thoughts, you'll need them."  If it happens a second time, "Well, didn't you remember?  OK, now I'm going to start backing up these thoughts into your subconscious."  Third time?  "*Bang* Here's a hardcover version, the paperback will be published soon."  But, here's the thing; It takes a lot of hard work to stop telling that story and find a new one that actually works for you on a positive level, but if you are sane enough it can be done!  How?  With a fight.

Waking up everyday and saying, "I choose to believe in all the good things in myself, in other people, and in life."  And then doing as you said.  Practising all the time.  Being around good people.  Experiencing things, taking the good from them and learning from the bad.  It takes time to replace the pages in the Old Stories book.  It's the same as changing your eating for a health plan, or learning the skills on a new job.  You have to keep your focus and realise every small effort you make is a step towards your goal, and the life you've wanted but dismissed because you've been telling yourself you can't have it all these years.

And then, the big question - What if I don't want to change that story?  Well then don't.  Enjoy it, it's yours.  But don't complain about it either.  Nobody wants to hear your whining.

A lot of the time, I write these blog posts as a letter to myself, almost, but if you feel as the reader you've gained anything from my merry typing whilst watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and listening to my boyfriend snore, then I'm very happy to have helped.

As for me, I'm still working on my stories, and I still catch myself thinking really horrible, negative things that you would bitch slap a friend for saying to you.  My arms are proverbially tired from carrying these bloody books around, and I'm tired of wearing myself down.  In the beautifully sung words of Miss Jennifer Hudson, I Am Changing.

I wonder what the dream was about?