Real

While I write this, I have this song in my head, partly because of Miss Anna Hornostaj, and partly because the idea has been floating around my head for ages about 'being Real'.  Not Reem. (God I hate that word and all it stands for!) But Real.

I always have tons of ideas in my noggin, the main issue being the pinning down of said ideas.  This stupid fear and self esteem (rhymes with Reem... Argh!  I've done it again) crap tends to get in the way on the bad days.  On the good days, I feel invincible.  Still, no matter what circumstances you have or how you are feeling that particular day, what makes one person get up and keep going while the other one sits in despair?  Normally confusion.

If you feel like you still have a clear purpose or goal, you can be upset for a short while, then your brain clicks back into gear and says, "C'mon mate, let's get going, we've got energy left in the tank and a lot of adventures to face...".  Whereas when the outlook is cloudy, you're usually left feeling like you're swimming in sand.  It's this mental ambiguity I don't like.

A lot of the time when you are in the brain swamp, it's because you've lost your way.  You got distracted or started listening to other people or became self conscious.  To me, it seems that, no matter how appearances may seem, I've been chasing all the wrong or right things for the wrong reasons.  People, money, status, power.  Where does your heart's desire fit into your life if you prioritise what other people think you should be doing, or compare your living standards favourably (or unfavourably) to everyone you encounter?  Now, I'm not talking about the surface trash that's indoctrinated from birth into our culture.  Or maybe I am, because this current culture has made the shallow extremes our daily focus.  If someone deletes you on a social network or says something derogatory about you to another person, you feel like you have to discuss it with someone if you find out (But if you never knew, would you care?  The old 'tree in the forest' question) and then you have to justify it with open speech.  I am very guilty of running my mouth for every annoyance that comes my way.  Now I'm speculating whether it's time to stop focusing on such meaningless, petty bullshit and start listening to my head and heart?

The answer to that previous question is 'Yes', by the way!  I sometimes find myself stopping and checking what I'm about to do or say, purely for someone or something Else's benefit.  I shall endeavour from now on to be more Real to me.  I'm the one that has to live with me, do my hard work and clean up my own mess.  And make my mistakes.  They're not even mistakes; they're lessons for my future self.  Sometimes, when I'm working out (yes, it doesn't happen often, but it's a reality) I imagine Fit Erica is screaming at Fat Erica to do one more rep or finish the set strong, to keep going for one more minute past exhausted.  Fit Erica, or I shall call her Focused Erica, is not dissimilar to me.  She just knows what she's doing.

I haven't quite figured it out yet.  And that, my friends, is the aim of the puzzle.  And this post.  I need clarity.  Strength is there, Intelligence is consistent, Happiness is a good friend and Confidence likes to give me a poke at some point during the day to pick me up.

Not only is it important for me to get going now, but it is vital for my daughter's well being and for strong relationships with my family and good friends.  There are so many thoughts, feelings and waves of spiritual energy straining to come out of every pore.  Can't be afraid to use them anymore.  The wrong people and situations will not understand this and will fall away as nature intends, leaving the right people and things I want on my path.

Being Real means it's time for me to walk into the spotlight.  Are you coming with me?