Alone

I was just talking to Stu while I was in the bath about my 'Wasteman/Wastegyal' (use as appropriate) friends who it seems like I'm forever chasing. Stu was very vocal in his opinions about having to pursue friendships. I often get into the same mindset as him, you know "Fuck 'em, they're not bothered so why should I be?" which is understandable, but then I soon forget and I go back to normal service. But when he finished talking, I had a thought of my own: I'm a fucking Queen! I do whatever I like, sod the subjects, they can come along for the ride or not, I rule!!

I'm thinking tomorrow I might have a 'Me Party'. Before the days of motherhood and partnership, I spent a good couple of years getting to know me again and learning to enjoy my own company. Partly because it was time to do so, partly because my scumbag ex left me flat broke and in debt, and partly because I'd had so much trauma from the scumbag ex that I really needed the time out. Yeah, I socialised and laughed and worked and functioned, but it was all a bit meaningless when you've been pushed to the very depths of your soul and had to make life changing decisions.

I just realised where I was going with that, and I've had to think about whether I want to go there or not. Fuck it, it's part of my life and who I am. Not many people know this , but I chose to terminate a pregnancy during the same long, drawn out period of breaking up with the ex. I told him about it after we were done, he was more concerned about quizzing me on whether I'd been sleeping with one of my friends behind his back. I really can't be arsed to go into the minute details of our pointless relationship, but anyone who knows me will know that for him to quiz me on my fidelity was a massive fucking cheek considering his blatant lying, cheating and theft. And no, I didn't cheat on him. As the months dragged on and it occurred to me a) what he was up to, and b) my physical ache wasn't just down to stress, I had to decide very quickly if I wanted to produce a life into the world with this man. Judging by how he treated his son and son's mother, I knew I would get zero input from him. I would spend a lifetime loving this child but resenting its existence, then poisoning its mind against the deadbeat father they had, and all other men who happened to cross our path and put a foot wrong. It was such a hard decision to make, and I don't believe for second it was all based on him. If I'd spent less time believing in the power of love and more in the power of my common sense, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I was aware of many doctors telling me it would be nigh on impossible for me to become pregnant naturally because of my PCOS and weight, so it always felt like a missed opportunity. And I believe she was with me, she had a soul. Yes, I think it was a girl. I was around 8 weeks so we'll never know for sure. She would've been 5 this year. On the other hand, I don't think it would've been fair in any way to bring a child into the world who wasn't wanted by both parents and who would have a hard time reconciling their feelings about this man as they grew up. So yeah, that's the basics of that situation.

Anyway, back to my original point. I was very down, very poor (I remember a month where, after I'd paid all my bills and for my shopping and travel card, I had 12p in my purse) and felt pretty alone. When you're really down on your luck, a lot of people disappear. They can't deal with your emotions and transition. I had to find ways to save money and stay stress-free. I walked around London a lot, started to do Yoga and ate a lot of 8p noodles! I began to appreciate my surroundings, the walking gave me time to think and work stuff out, and I discovered places I'd never have bothered to look at if I was still wrapped up in dream land. I worked on my confidence. I didn't need to have people to go out with. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to people, but I'm at my most joyful smelling fresh air, feeling the sun on my skin and listening to my favourite songs. Music also played a very important part in my 'self therapy'. I lost a lot of weight, focused on my happiness and attracting a better man into my life when I needed him and sorted out my finances.

Eventually, I knew everything would be ok, and it is. My second chance at motherhood (I firmly believe the Universe sends you things when it knows you're ready for them; the first time I chose to ignore the sign, I don't need to be told twice!) is sleeping soundly with my best (boy)friend and tomorrow I get the chance to have another one of my 'Me Parties'. Think I'll take myself somewhere nice for lunch and a good long walk, despite the rubbish weather.