Strength

Just a short note about how I am feeling right now.

I've just read a book called 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho.  Heard about it in the past but for some reason it jumped out at me last week and I went on Amazon.co.uk and bought it.  What will this do for me, I wondered when it finally arrived.

I've read powerful books with timely messages in the past and shared lots of ideas with good friends but this book is a little different in that it speaks to me but it also invites me to speak to myself and to the world.  It's not just lots of sage advice.  It's about your connection with everything and having the courage to fulfill your destiny.  Those little signs we receive every day, they are there for a reason, to guide and inspire, sometimes to warn.  I think quite often after a particularly bad event we always say "I knew that was going to happen, if only..."  The beauty of intuition is that we CAN and SHOULD listen.  If we are brave enough to accept it.

In connection to my pregnancy, as much as I've relaxed into the idea of what's about to happen this month, I still have moments where I don't feel like I've done enough, I feel lost or like I don't know what to do or I'm going to do something really stupid and feel such a fool.  It seems easier to sit around ane bemoan my fate rather then get up and do something (plus I'm always sleepy nowadays!).  I've been pondering the idea of having the strength to do all this.  Mental as well as physical.  Some women prepare for this their whole lives and seem to come out happy and smiling despite the pain and stress.  Some describe it as one of the worst (as well as best because of the resulting child) days of their life.  Tonight, after a lot of thought and a damned good weep I have realised this:

1.  I am not everyone else.  I cannot compare myself to other people.  I am me, and an amazing version if I do say so myself!  Whatever will be, will be.  The thing which we are connected to and by will conspire to bring me the strength I need when the time comes, so I should stop worrying about my capabilities.  And, if I am honest with myself.... I know I am strong already, and I do have a lot of self belief.  It sounds odd to say that because you're not supposed to big yourself up in society anymore, that marks you as an arrogant person and, as I always say, there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance.  However, I was talking to a work colleague last night about changing aspects of you life that are harmful to you, and as I said to her, nobody else is walking around with a sandwich board on it which reads 'ERICA BROWNE IS AMAZING!!" so maybe it's about time I sold myself to get to where I need to be.

2.  I've been beating myself up for a long time over the past, my health, money, old relationships, family, deaths, cross words, times when I've felt helpless and weak and given up on something.  It is no longer necessary.  I imagined tonight being stood in a room with all the people who have come into my life, good and bad.  They were all smiling at me and told me it was OK, there was no need for any blame or hurt anymore.  My Mum and Nan were there; they took my hands  (was it strange that it felt real, that I remember how their hands looked and felt?) and both smiled at me and said they would be with me.  I've always felt like I never did enough for either of them when they died and have been carrying around a lot of guilt.  I want to be the best, just for them; the two most important women in my life.  I cried the most when they let me go, but I think it was out of relief.

A most troublesome burden has finally lifted.  I am free to make decisions without guilt and with love and support, knowing that whatever the outcome it will always be for the best.

Time for some sleep, bought another 3 Paulo Coelho books tonight on Amazon and the recommendations page keeps blinking at me.  Plus Miss Francesca is getting restless.  She really is going to be a night owl.